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Miracle cure for everything!

Tired of herbal and alternative treatments not working?

Still convinced "natural" remedies are better than medicine?

Naieve and will believe anything you read on-line, or told to you by some fuckwit in a funny hat?

Then you need my new special MAGIC BEANS(tm)!

After literally nearly an hour of searching random blogs with nothing to do with actual medicine whatsoever, I formulated this stunning cure for for anything which ails you, 110% guaranteed!

Magic Beans(tm) work by using a special "smart" magic* which binds to peptides in the blood stream or something; they probably attach themselves using xy protein inhibitors onto some sort of stem cells taking them directly to your illness, malady or disease.

*May not actually contain magic.

These magic beans(tm) are so good that if you don't feel at least 10% less ill than you did to begin with, you'll get a full refund less postage costs.

Magic Beans(tm) are a powerful pretend alternative treatment, possible side effects include but are not limited to:
Spontaneous combustion,
Planned combustion,
Random detaching of limbs,
The sudden loss of one’s head,
Oily bowels,
Wax-like discharge from ears or ear wax disemboguement;
Snot attenuation;
Hot dog fingers;
Children born with a Golden Retriever Face;
Impotence leading to loss of male genitalia;
Hair growth on soles of feet;
Abnormal growth of nose;
Crazy itches;
Abnormally large pimples;
Full Dilation of the right pupil;
Fingernail to talon syndrome;
Brown Nose disorder;
Stinky Ears;
Melted cheese oozing from pores;
Growth of mutated organs (third yellow eye, etc.);
Obnoxious Slogans forming on arm and face;
Changes in appearance that make you resemble your own mother;
Heart reversal;
Navel discharge;
Skin failure;
Full body shrinkage;
Miraculous conception;
Post-modern apathy;
Black plague;
Déjà vu;
Alien abduction;
Déjà vu;
Dry mouth;
Dry blood;
Dry eyes;
Darth Vader helmet;
Loss of all emotion and assimilation into the hive mind;
Bad hair days;
Severe addiction;
The need to sell your body on the street to feed that addiction;
Déjà vu;
Saint Vitas dance;
Permanent winky retreat;
Faecal complexion;
Fear of clowns;
Moulting or shedding of exoskeleton;
Inability to use spoons;
Mystic enlightenment;
No funk;
Anal fidgeting;
Devil's haircut;
Electric head;
X-ray vision and super strength;
Piano legs;
Change in complexion;
Change in ethnicity;
Russian accent;
Déjà vu;
Tin ear;
Comical Jesse Helms like jowls;
Siamese twin;
Vietnam War flashbacks;
Loss of balance;
The munchies;
Crab lice;
Explosive diarrhoea;
Warp core ejection;
Explosive (literally) diarrhoea;
Evil eye;
Tendency to become verklempt.